THE CURE

I don't get sick very often, maybe twice a year; but next time I do get sick, I'm going to be ready. I've found out a cure to the fever. It also works for other maladies.

I've yet to test this cure, but I know it works because I've studied sickness by thinking about it a lot; thus, I began drawing certain conclusions. The main symptoms I observed are (you can skip this part if you get sick a lot and you know what it's like) that you get headaches, your throat gets sore, your sinuses are all out of whack, you sneeze and/or cough a lot, it's hard to sleep, and you have to take lots of Tylenol.

Based on these symptoms, I've devised a method that I'm 99% sure will work. However, it is still untested! So I must warn you: IF YOU CHOOSE TO USE THIS METHOD TO CURE YOURSELF, YOU DO SO AT YOUR OWN RISK! And of course, if anything goes horribly wrong, please take the time to let me know!

Step 1:

Turn on a faucet to either a hot or cold setting. If hot, go to Step 1A. If cold, go to Step 1B.

Step 1A: The water must be EXTREMELY HOT. Let the faucet run for about 1 minute on a hot setting. Then, proceed to Step 1A¹. (Skip Step 1B.)

Step 1B: The water must be EXTREMELY COLD. Make sure the water is running on cold; then fill the sink with as much ice as your icebox can produce. Proceed to Step 3. (Skip Step 1A¹ and Step 2.)

Step 1A¹: Grab a pan and fill up with hot water. Proceed to Step 2.

Step 2: Preheat the oven to 400 degrees, then put the pan inside. Let cook for 12 minutes. Remove pan CAREFULLY! Do not set it on the counter. The heat is bad for most countertops. Proceed to Step 3.

Step 3: Retrieve a rag or small towel. If using hot water, proceed to Step 4. If using cold water, proceed to Step 6.

Step 4. Soak the rag or towel in the burning hot water. (I would recommend just throwing it in there, then using a fork to scoop it out. But take note that if you don't do it quickly, scientific reactions will cause that fork to grow very hot very quickly! You'll have about ten seconds before the temperature of the fork handle increases to 500 degrees.) Proceed to step 5.

Step 5: You're done! By now, all of that work--plus the exposure to high temperatures, of course--has sweated out all of that fever. This method is based on traditional Polish remedies of placing a warm rag on the forehead to cause sweating. But of course, that method is archaic. It surely doesn't work any more.

Step 6: Soak the towel in the cold water. (As with Step 4, the recommended procedure is to throw the towel in and use a fork to get it out. Don't just drop it in; this won't produce enough force to completely submerge the rag or towel.) Proceed to Step 7.

Step 7: Preheat oven at 350 degrees. Insert cold rag or towel. Let the rag or towel bask for about seven minutes. Proceed BACKWARDS to Step 5.

And there you go! You're all better. I would recommend the "hot" method for fevers, and the "cold" method for other maladies and diseases. The cold method uses a massaging cold-to-hot method, similar to the treatment used for injured muscles.

Next time I'm sick, I admit, I'll probably just take some Tylenol and lie in bed for a day or two, instead of using the instructions above. That will always be superior to anything anybody could ever come up with, unless they came up with a pill that just knocks you out cold for two days so that when you wake up, your fever has come and gone. (Okay, I admit, I've been working on a similar project to that; it's not like that ingenious idea came out of nowhere while I was writing this paragraph.)