THE JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

The Jacksonville Jaguars are one of the most indescribably hated teams in all of sports. I've never known why this is! They don't win very often, they don't have a lot well-known players; they don't even have a lot of fans. And now, a Muslim has bought their team, and as we all know, if there's anything Americans don't like, it's people buying expensive things. Yes, things are really looking down for those Jaguars.

But you know what, I really like the Jacksonville Jaguars! They have decent defense, weird-looking uniforms, and their Muslim owner guy always looks really happy. Just look at him here, posing with Roger Goodell and a shadow!

He's got that expression that's like, "We're gonna WIN, and we're gonna get lots of famous players, and... I'm gona move the team out of this terrible city!"

Well, he actually hasn't threatened to move the team quite yet, but when he does - I mean, if he does - I have some suggestions about where the team should move to.

My first suggestion is Buffalo. Buffalo already has an NFL team, the Mighty Bills of Buffalo, but who's to say they shouldn't have two? New York City has two football teams. So does the San Francisco area. The state of Florida has THREE teams (if you count Jacksonville before the move), and I'm pretty sure more people live in Buffalo than in Florida. I'll look that up to confirm it some other time.

My second suggestion is Toronto. They've already moved in on the Bills by blackmailing them into playing one game every year in Toronto; but why should they bug the Bills? The Bills are helpless. They should bug some other team. Let's look for a victim for Toronto to attack... Oh, I know, Jacksonville!

My third suggestion is Los Angeles. I know that's a pretty obvious one, because they don't have a football team and they really really want one. But I think that moving to L.A. would really help with the owner's goal of getting more famous people on their team. There's a lot of famous people in L.A. They could hold tryouts where only celebrities are allowed to show up.

Wait a minute... Oh, dear! I've been looking at this picture a little bit closer, and when you zoom in on it, you can see something that you don't see before.

I don't know, maybe I've just seen too many movies where Middle Eastern guys are the villains, but THIS GUY LOOKS EVIL!

Take a look at this even bigger picture, which was saved in 256-color bitmap form to help bring out the more evil aspects:

Chilling. A truly terrifying man.