It's not a very complex system. It's derived from an equation. You take the average number of minutes that it takes all people in the world to shower. (You don't have to go with the average if you don't want to; you can invent your own number.) The average is about 14.5 minutes. That's not based on any study, it just REALLY seems like the right number. (You may think it's high, but you must take into account the fact that some people shower more than once in a day!) Then, every time you shower, you multiply the number 14.5 by the amount of days it's been since you last showered. Then you shower for that long. This way, you've spent just as long showering as everybody else!
This system was originally designed by me so that I could have the shower to myself when nobody else wanted it. And that's where the REAL story begins.
I was in college, and living in the dorms. I loved the dorm life. I had three roommates, and we all shared one shower. The shower was conveniently separated from the bathroom so that you didn't have to hold "it" in when somebody was showering. However, me and one of my roommates had class at the same time in the morning, and we woke up at the same time, and we were always battling for the shower.
Finally, I got fed up. This daily argument over who got to shower first was literally ruining my life, and I had to do something. That's why I came up with this system for staying clean at your own pace. However, I made one fatal flaw at first: I got it backwards.
You see, the system is designed so that you can take a shower whenever you feel like it. But it's not a good idea to go for more than a few days without a shower; that may sound like crazy-talk, but it's true. It really isn't a good idea. Once you discover the system, it's tempting to go a very long time without showering, because you know the EXACT amount of time you need to spend in there. But it's a bad idea, and you really shouldn't do it.
And so that's what I did!
I told my roommates about it, of course, to make sure there wouldn't be any conflict. They thought I was joking at first, but when I took that first 7-hour-and-15-minute-long shower, they realized that I was quite serious. (I didn't find out until much later that my roommates thought I was a weirdo.)
It was another month until my next shower. During that time, I started living life on the edge. I began using the system for all of my personal hygiene. I'd only comb my hair once a month, for about 10 minutes straight. I'd put on gobs of deodorant. I'd brush my teeth for an hour. But most of the time, I was just unbelievably dirty. I would notice that people would never sit next to me in my classes; and if they did, they'd get up 5 minutes later and sit somewhere else. People huddled into groups would point at me and laugh as I was walking to class. I'd also let trash pile up in my room for about a month before throwing it all away.
I did it all in the name of efficiency! For that, I think I can be forgiven.
I honestly had no problem with the system, myself. I was enjoying it. I had way more time to watch TV, instead of dressing and undressing for showers; picking up and putting down objects; walking back and forth; and so on, like I was forced to back when I was off the system.
My roommates, however, began to take offense with the system. The main problem was that after each of my showers, there would be massive black rings of mold on the ceiling for the next several days. I never understood why that was such a big deal, but they eventually got the health department involved. When they saw my bedroom, they called the police, and I was arrested and spent the night in jail (after being decontaminated).
And thus I began living a normal life again: brushing my teeth every day, combing my hair, throwing away garbage, et cetera. They thought it would make me happy. They thought I would join the happy laughing clean people and become "one of them". They were wrong. I'm just as much of an outcast now as I was then. But as long as I live the urban life, I must obey its rules.
The moral of this story is this: Being filthy is perfectly healthy for you, but not for the people around you, so much!
Also, there's another moral, which is that you can take three showers in a day if you want to, but they should all be pretty short.
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