MARCH MADNESS

College basketball is my favorite sport. And March Madness, man, don'T even get me started. IT'S THE GREATEST! I haven't had time to watch a single game this year, but I'm still excited about all the goings-on.

I've yet to watch yesterday's games (of which there were four), nor do I know the outcomes, but these are my picks:

WISCONSIN over Syracuse.
This is my upset pick of the day. Wisconsin is one of the greatest, most underrated teams in basketball history. Just when you think they're going to pass it to the left perimeter, they're going to pass it to the right perimeter. Then they fake a pass inside, and then the shot clock runs down to five and so they pass inside. Then the guy inside has nowhere to go so he passes outside and that guy takes a shot. Or, if he still has a little time, they make ONE MORE pass and then they score the bucket. This strategy has baffled defenses all year. Syracuse, on the other hand, is SO overrated. All the media wants to talk about is those East Coast teams. That means the teams in the East are overrated. Thus, they will all lose to the teams in the West!

MICHIGAN STATE over Louisville.
I haven't seen either of these teams play, this season or any other, but Michigan State has won two straight NCAA tournament games. These NCAA tournaments have a lot of good teams in them, and to beat two of them in a row, you have to have a lot of skills. I don't think Louisville will have any chance of matching that kind of skill. Michigan State will roll.

CINCINNATI over Ohio State
This is a classic in-state rivalry. These teams have played each other countless times over the years, but never in men's basketball. Nevertheless, the players will undoubtedly be channeling the rage and competitiveness of their ancestors from long ago - those great men who played against each other as members of the 1928 Cincinnati Bearcats or the 1928 Ohio State ???s. The score of that game was 3-0. I expect a more high-scoring affair; I'm saying 101-95. Cincinnati looked very tough in their on-court brawl against Xavier earlier this year, even though they lost the game by nearly 30 points. Expect the Bearcats to prevail!

MARQUETTE over Florida

This one's a no-brainer. I didn't even have to think about it, because Marquette is a THREE SEED, people. Florida is only a seven seed. Do you really think a seven seed can beat a three seed? I don't know very much, but as far as I do know, that has NEVER happened. Florida is a pathetic team. Last year, they couldn't even beat Jimmer-led BYU in regulation; this year, they only got this far after a couple nail-biters against two of the worst teams in basketball. Expect Marquette (whom I know nothing about) to destroy this joke of a team.

That's all I've got for you for this month. Check back in another month when the NFL season starts or something.

TOOTHPASTE

Q: IS TOOTHPASTE BAD FOR YOU?

A: It can be. Most tubes of toothpaste contain a substance called "titanium dioxide", which is basically poisonous shards of metal. The American Cancer Society recommends never to use the following brands of toothpaste under any circumstances: Aquafresh, Colgate, Crest, and Sensodyne. That's my friend who works for the American Cancer Society told me, off the record. Well, actually, he got fired from there several years ago, for pretending to be an employee. The way he tells it, he got screwed!

Q: GEEZ, SO WHAT KIND OF TOOTHPASTE WOULD YOU RECOMMEND?

A: It's generally agreed that the only safe route is the homemade, organic one. Here is a good blog instructing you on how to make your own toothpaste. Of course, there is no active ingredient, so don't expect it to clean your teeth. If you use this type of organic toothpaste, it's generally agreed that you should also eat only organic, sugar-free foods. Also try to avoid eating anything containg baking soda, salt, peppermint, or vegetables - as it's generally agreed that you get your daily dose of these products from the toothpaste.

Q: HOW MANY TIMES A DAY IS IT GENERALLY AGREED THAT I SHOULD BRUSH MY TEETH?

A: It's generally agreed that you should brush your teeth BEFORE each meal. Don't be so surprised! The latest research shows that the mouth is full of bacteria. If you ingest food without brushing your teeth beforehand, you risk ingesting this bacteria into your stomach. Make sure to brush before any ingestion occurs, to fight those pesky viruses!

Q: HI JAMES, I'M REALLY A BIG FAN OF YOUR  BLOG. AND I'M JUST WONDERING: DO YOU NEED TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH IF YOU HAVE FALSE TEETH?

A: Hi! Thanks for the well wishes! No, you do NOT have to brush your teeth if you have false teeth - UNLESS you also have some real teeth left. Or if you only have the false teeth because you're using them for some kind of prank. Then make sure to brush whatever REAL teeth you have. As for cleaning your FALSE teeth, simply make sure that you store your them in a cup of hydrochloric acid every night. That should do the trick!

THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO

That's a pretty good book. I read this book back in 8th grade. It was the abridged version, that was probably about 400 pages, but it took several months to finish.

Obviously reading such an advanced book is a big undertaking for an eight-grader, but I had my reasons. You see, The Count of Monte Cristo is an epic tale of revenge - revenge at all costs. And I had a thing or two to learn about revenge.

The thing about books is that a book - one single book, and no more - can change your life. It's extremely rare that this happens. If you read enough books, though, that might change your life a little. It's probably not worth the time, though. That's why they make movies!

When I read The Count of Monte Cristo, I was still just a child; a mere immature little boy; and when my friend Stan told me that I sucked at the French horn, I didn't know how to handle it. For all I knew, the proper response was to let it slide (he was clearly joking, after all) and go on with my life. I needed some one - or some thing - to guide me. And then I had to read the book The Count of Monte Cristo for school, and that's how I learned how to get revenge.

The book is about a man who gets thrown in prison for killing his wife. But it turns out that he didn't do it! There's a remake of this book called "The Fugitive". In that film, Harrison Ford is an ex-doctor who aches to prove that he didn't do the crime - and thus, shouldn't do the time. He miraculously escapes when his prisoner transport bus crashes; he goes to the hospital to find the piece of paper that says he didn't do it. That proves harder than he imagined; but all he wants is revenge on the guy who really did do it. It was then that the U.S. marshals get involved.

In the sequel, "U.S. Marshals", Tommy Lee Jones chases Wesley Snipes around. I don't know the plot, but I'm fairly certain it's similar to "The Fugitive". At any rate, at the end of the Fugitive, Harrison Ford jumps off a dam to escape from the police. Then an hour and a half later (in screentime) he finally finds justice. He catches up with the one-armed man who killed his wife, and he probably throws him off a building.

Obviously, "The Count of Monte Cristo" isn't as good as this remake, because A. it's a book, and B. it's old - thus, outdated. But it was still okay. The plot is basically the same, except replace all modern technology with the older counterpart.

Any-way, what I learned from the book is that you shouldn't take revenge on people. It takes the main guy his entire life to get his revenge. I may be young, but I don't have that kind of time. I still have other stuff to live for. So I just went up to Stan (the friend who said I sucked at French horn) and told him that what he'd said had hurt my feelings, and that he should maybe be a little more thoughtful next time. Then he told me I suck a duck, and I cried and ran out of the room; and that, as they say, is a story without a hero!

ART

The key to making great art is to just pick up a paintbrush and start painting. It has nothing to do with opening up the unused passages of the brain. Do you think Jackson Pollock opened up the unused passages of his brain? No sir he didn't! He just picked up cans of paint and started throwing them. Picasso just painted shapes that went into bigger shapes that looked sort of like things... Rembrandt and the great old masters just copied whatever they saw. Because that's what art is all about: Whatever.

The same goes for writing. You just pick up that pen and write some words. Plot? Don't worry about it. That's all up to your editor. Character development? SO overrated! I haven't changed one bit in 9 years! If they wrote a book about me, I bet people would be complaining their asses off about the lack of character development. Well folks, if your character develops, then that's fine, but my character is fine right where it is.

My philosophy on art is inspired by my lack of creative abilities. I've never been able to make great art. That's not because I'm not a genius. I'm one of the greatest geniuses to ever live. My problem is that I don't apply myself. I don't feel like picking up a pen or a paintbrush. If I did, I would blow you all away. I'm convinced that all the great painters and writers were actually just complete fools. But they were hard workers, and for every fifty lousy things they did, they did one good one. You only hear about the ninety-or-so great books that Stephen King came out with; but what you DON'T hear about (and what almost surely exists) is the nine thousand entire books he wrote that weren't even worth reading the first sentence of!

Here's an example of some of my art, which was created in those rare instances that I decided to pick up a paintbrush:

(If you want to purchase any of these works, print it out on your printer on a 5-foot by 3-foot piece of canvas, then send me 10 dollars in the mail.)

TRUST

You shouldn't trust anybody. You trust somebody, and then they turn on you, and that leads to blame. Who do you blame? You should blame yourself, for trusting them. You have to realize that whenever you're involved with people in any way, once something goes wrong, it's YOUR fault.

The trick is to keep away from people, no matter what. It doesn't matter which people they are. And no matter how trustworthy they seem, they'll always turn on you. And that's where trust in yourself comes in: Don't trust yourself either. You'll just get overconfident, and you'll probably go near people again.

Stay in your home with the door locked. That way untrustworthy people can not enter your house. If possible, lock yourself to an object in your home so that you won't be tempted to leave.

As for food, you can go out every once in a while if it means buying food. But I'd recommend never going out to eat, as it widens the variety of people who you will mingle with; and thus, who can betray you. Buy groceries late at night, and in bulk. It's the "safe way" to go. (Get it? Safeway!)

Don't involve yourself with anything that involves people. That means all art: Books, movies, music, and MOST OF ALL the internet! If you go near these things, people will just say bad things to you.

Don't think too much, either. You might betray yourself. You might think bad things that make you turn evil and do bad things to yourself. Never think.

The real key is to just to just watch the input screen on your TV, or to stare at your computer's desktop background (which is completely black, and with NO icons). These are the only ways to ensure that you live a long and healthy life.

If you don't follow all of this advice, somebody could kill you. You may not think it happens that often, but I've done it plenty of times!

You'll just have to "trust" me on this.

HERMIONE GRANGER

Here are some interesting quotes from one of my favorite actresses, the girl who plays Hermione Granger:


"I love painting and have a need to do it."

"I'm now studying art in Brown, a fancy American school."

"... if I would really have to choose, then I'd pick a great marriage."

"I think it would be amazing if I would get to play beautiful parts and win Oscars ..."

"I'd like to play some American high school girl. I want to play something totally different."

"I love fashion. I think it's so important, because it's how you show yourself to the world."

"I hope my head doesn't get very big."

"Hermione uses all these big long tongue twister words, I don't know what she's going on about half the time!"


Haha, she's so funny!

LIMITLESS

TITLE: Limitless

GENRE: Film
YEAR: Last year
SPANISH TITLE: Sin Limites
CATEGORY: Fantasy / Adventure
TAPE TYPE: Netflix Online Watch™ or DVD
STARS: Bradley Cooper, Robert De Niro
PRICE: (varies)
REQUIREMENTS: Any DVD player will play this DVD.

I saw this movie a couple days ago. I was pretty impressed. I went into it with a lot of expectations that I'd formed based off the DVD case. I'd gathered that it was about a very smart, well-dressed man, and that he enjoyed looking into the distance while making connections in his brain. This would prove to be the backbone of the film's plot.

It's about a 40-something-year-old loafer who runs into his ex-wife's brother-in-law, who gives him a magic pill that makes him smarter. (That's the fantasy element of the video.) It makes him so smart that he quits dressing like a 50-year-old college professor and gets some real clothes (pictured) :

Note how pale and ill-defined the hero is on the left; but on the right, he not only looks sharp as in having a sharp wardrobe and haircut; but his facial features are actually more sharply defined.

So anyway the hero of the movie gets really smart; and what do all smart people do? They seduce every woman they see! And once they've done that, they go back to their ex-girlfriend who broke up with them right before they became smart and win her back. (Even though she's just an accountant or something, and he's like a billionaire.)


Then they invest in the stock market and become billionaires. Oh wait, I got ahead of myself... You already knew he was a billionaire. Well anyway, that happens, and then Robert De Niro comes along and wants to hire our hero as a consultant in his corporation:

(I just want to comment on the rather interesting juxtaposition in this shot, in which we only see the top 10% of Robert De Niro, and the bottom-right 20%-or-so of the hero's face. It seems to suggest wariness; mistrust; and vengeance. It also seems to imply that although De Niro is the smaller man, he has glasses, which means that he can see better; but better than his rivals?)

The hero is sick of making money, and he feels guilty because he hasn't had a job for a long time, so he takes the job; even though the pay probably isn't that high, and no matter what he does, De Niro keeps giving him guff.

Then, the typical "movie stuff" happens: conflict is introduced; the character fights through it (that's the adventure part of the DVD); and eventually he rides off into the sunset with the girl (more or less).

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that it's also a romance. Anyway,

RATING: 7/10